Posted by: JulieAloha | December 5, 2013

The Storm and the Eye

Those of you who are Stargate fans will get the reference, but this isn’t about a wonderfully entertaining and sorely missed Sci-fi show; this is about depression. I’ve struggled with depression since I was a teenager – blame the hormones, I suppose. Sometimes I get a warning, a vague sense of malaise which slowly darkens my world, turning my thoughts against me, before the whirlwind pins me down. I’ve learned to give myself a time limit when this happens; you may have one morning, one day, one weekend to be sad, this set amount of time to give in to the melancholy, then you must shake it off and struggle through the other side. Sometimes it works. Sometimes…

But other times it comes upon my world with terrifying swiftness, striking me down from clear skies, crashing, crushing. I can’t breathe, the air is swept away; I can’t see through the darkness; I hear only the voices in the wind, taunting me with hopelessness and despair, jagged, cutting, biting words, slicing through my ragged defenses. I am Dorothy, trapped in the small gray house, winds howling with fury about me, threatening, dangerous, imminent. Some think depression is just a state of mind, that if you just buck up and find the positives everything will be fine. Those people will never understand – mostly because they will only be able to spout their theory to a depressed person once and that person will never trust them with their fears again. My depression is about failure, perceived or real. It’s about loneliness and fear, self loathing and vulnerability. My thoughts turn ever faster, spinning out of control, shredding my self worth as their velocity increases and there’s nothing to anchor me, no cellar, no lifeline. That’s not quite true; I have my faith in God, but at times like this I have no faith in myself. I can feel His presence with me when I call on Him, holding me, loving me, but I know He will not magically make everything better – that’s not His job. He does not let the winds carry me away, but neither does He send them away. Tough love. So, no Oz for me. And no easy out either; no click of the heels, no falling on the sword, no martyrdom – not an option. Just a profound submersion into despondency, desolate and barren. The eye of this storm is not a calm respite. It is hollow and empty, devoid of light or sound, throbbing with both pain and apathy, surrender.

I have been mostly unemployed for about a year and a half. I left a job I loved, but which had become a kind of living hell, persecuted by a bully boss who did not like me to stand up to her. I found a new job I loved, a bright ray of hope, but temporary, sporadic. Still, I hoped it would prove to be a foot in the door and I followed every opportunity to push that door open. Yesterday it slammed closed and I turned to face the hurricane again. I am beaten, my health is poor, my support wanes, my resources gone. I have no more will to fight, to struggle. I have no more energy. I have no more. Existence is futile. But it’s all I have left.

So. Count. A moment. Two. Another. They just keep going. So will I.


Responses

  1. Julie,
    So sorry to hear the door slammed. Sorry to hear you are feelin so down. You are right and no one can understand how you feel even if they deal with depression themselves or have in the past. They are your feelings and yours alone. I know it’s been many years since we have seen each other in person but I believe in you. I remember your mom as a lovely person and you both seem to still be from what I can tell. I understand that life can be hard but you can’t let the negative win. I also understand the self doubt and feelin low about who you are or what you can do. I struggle with the myself. I can only recommend you continue to fight and surround yourself with people and stuff that makes you happy. When I say stuff, I’m not meaning monetary possessions necessarily. I mean the little things. I have a collection of M&M guys and rubber ducks. Worth very little to others but alot to me (and they make my grandkids happy too). Keep inspirational things around you. Not necessarily biblical quotes or inspirational sayings because that takes time to sink in and read. But keep nature photos or photos of things you find amazing to look at. Things that can remind you of the many wonders in the world no matter if done by God or man. Make a colage of photos of people you love and who love you back. Look at it daily and remind yourself you are loved by people in your life or they would not want to be there. I want to be there. Hugs.
    Gayle

    Like

    • Thanks Gayle, I just needed an outlet, one which will not make my eyes all puffy and red.

      Like

  2. We love you lots and are here if you need us.

    Like

    • Thank you, my dear – and I’m okay – it’s just a part of my life and this was an effort to acknowledge even the hard stuff. Love you back.

      Like


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