JulieAloha

Life is full of endings and beginnings, both have their share of celebrations, heartaches and difficulties. I face this new beginning with feelings of anxiety, self doubt and some amount of fear. Though I have many people who care about me and have offered their help and support, and I do appreciate each kind offer, I hope my friends can understand how I must be selective in my choices from whom I can accept support. I’ve recently been accused of refusing help from coworkers, but because the issue which led to my despair involved people from work and caused a disturbance in our workplace, I felt I could not accept any of those offers without causing further disturbance, and we’ve now been asked not to discuss the matter at work at all. The person I’ve been closest to for years is also part of the dilemma and refuses to speak to me, therefore is also not an option. Most other offers come from family and family friends, which again are dearly appreciated, but I’ve come to believe I must take these beginning steps alone if I’m to find who I am now and be able to stand on my own once more.

This week I’ve begun taking stock of my life, trying to come up with activities which do not bring to mind anything from my recent despair. I love to crochet and I’ve thrown myself into many projects this winter, most of which were donated to low-income families or are intended as Christmas gifts. Our department has been engaged in a Reading contest since the beginning of November and I’ve found great joy in re-reading favorite titles, discovering new ones and using audiobooks for the first time. I’ve now completed reading nineteen books, am currently reading A Walk in the Woods, listening to Anna Karenina and have several more books on hold. My mother and I went to see Moana in the theater and I was moved by the story and felt such a connection that I purchased the soundtrack and have been listening and enjoying it for days. I’m also looking into taking some beginning hula lessons in a local hulau as a means of continuing my interest in my own heritage and as a good form of exercise. On the subject of exercise, I’ve set a daily walking goal of at least 6,500 steps, about 2.75 miles, and most days I’ve managed to overachieve – I may have to increase my goal!

I still experience moments of pain and sadness. I still dream about him and then wake to reality in tears. Yesterday I heard his name used in casual conversation and my heart constricted and I often find my thoughts drifting to memories we shared both sad and fond and have to shake my head and remonstrate myself. I don’t want to forget that bittersweetness, which is why I began documenting our love affair in the first place, because, though painful, it has been an important part of me and I wouldn’t ever want to cut it out of my life. However, those memories are not helpful to my current recovery so I will try to set them aside for now.

I go to work and do my jobs to the best of my ability, wearing my “I’m fine” mask and hoping I make the correct responses. I try to occupy my time with appropriate activities and not give in to the despair. But I still feel as if I were only playing at living, like an automaton going through a preset program with no end in sight. I do most of this alone; even surrounded by people I feel alone. Still. It’s a beginning. A good beginning. A positive beginning. And I’m taking each day one at a time (as if you could do it any other way). Maybe one day I’ll be a real girl again…